I nearly forgot what happened two years ago until I received an email notification from Friendster.


Today is supposed to be his birthday.  


The devastating scene then slowly reappearing in my blank mind…


 *     *     *     *     *


The house was dark when we came home last Saturday. It was awfully quite. Neither a single ring nor chime from its collar’s bell. My heart was beating fast as if it’s pushing itself through my skin. “Dear…” I looked at Gabriel and muttered, my heart still beating hard. Gabe turned over to my pale face and walked towards the living room, leaving me behind. I was still standing at the door, praying. The lights dimmed when he switched them on.  He took a step forward towards the bedroom and murmured “Stewie?” There wasn’t any response. “Stewie?” he called again, this time louder. The air was quiet. Horrifically quiet. “What is it dear? What are u staring at?” I asked with my voice trembling. Gabriel turned around and replied, “He isn’t moving.” I saw his face turned whitish under the dimmed light.


I dragged myself few more steps forward eventhough my mind restrained me from doing so. There he was, lying on the floor. The spot which he never lays. Right at the bedroom door. His little furry face facing inside the bedroom. “Stewie?” I heard myself calling again with fear. “He’s dead dear”, Gabe said with an almost whispering tone. “No no! Are you sure?!” I kept asking with both hands shaking and my heart pounding even harder. “What are we supposed to do now?!” I asked again, starring at the carcass. “I… don’t know”, Gabe answered.


It took us minutes until we realized that we can’t just stand there doing nothing. Hastily, we went searching for big garbage bags. “One enough? Two? Three?” I asked, handing Gab the bags. He took two and walked back to the room. I followed but stopped at last. I can’t do it. I told Gabriel from behind. “It’s okay. I’ll do it”, he said with an understanding mode.


I grabbed another garbage bag and walked passed the bedroom, avoiding my eyes to glance inside and went straight to the balcony where Stewie’s litter box was placed. I chucked the whole thing in with two bags of crystal sand on the floor. Incessantly, I went straight to the kitchen and tossed his cat food in the garbage bag as well. I then went around the living room gathering his toys and put aside. Everything that belonged to him. I didn’t want to see them around.


“Two is not enough”, Gabriel told me when he walked out of the bedroom. His face was still pale. “His body stiffened”, he added again. I starred at him, startled in disbelief. How long was it when it happened, I wondered. Hurriedly, he grabbed another two garbage bags and went back to the room.


After five minutes, Gabe came out, sweating. “Where are we gonna bury him?” I asked. It’s a condominium we are staying. There won’t be any ground for us to dig. We went to the balcony. This time, I peeked in the bedroom when I walked passed. Stewie, inside the huge black bag. I spun my head around as quickly as I can and gazed toward the front direction, ignoring the scene.


We were now looking at the midnight view from the 12th floor, searching for the right spot to dig, with the moon glowing above us. “It’s either there or there”, Gabe pointing in different direction with his shaky fingers. I realized I wasn’t paying attention. My mind was blank. Everything around me is still soundless from the moment I walked into the house. “I’m not crying dear. Why? I’m sad but I’m not crying! No, I’m not sad. I’m frightened…well ya…I’m frightened”, I kept saying that, my eyes staring blankly into the sky. “Me too”, I heard him mumbled.


Deep down, I knew I still couldn’t accept the fact. The fact that my baby Stewie is gone. Moments of us together kept rushing through my blank mind. Us sleeping together, playing together, smooching and sniffing each other, Stew purring when I cuddled him, Stew eating his favourite cat food, Stew drinking water, Stew running around hunting his little toy mouse, Stew leaping on the bed meowing to wake me up every morning, Stew waiting at the door whenever we come home, Stew………….


Tears started streaming down my cheeks, non-stop. I cried. At last. Gradually louder with my voice trembling. Gabriel pulled me to him and hugged me tight. So tight that I felt his heart beating as fast as mine. His shirt soaked in my tears. Tears that full of sweet memories between the three of us. Tears of guilt that didn’t bring him to the vet earlier. Tears of not accepting the fact that he is gone. Tears of desperately wanting him back to be by my side, sleeping peacefully under my arms like the usual nights. My hands clenched tightly around Gabe’s waist, allowing myself to conceal my moaning face in between his muscular chest.


From the bottom of my soaring heart, I heard myself kept whispering, “I’m sorry baby. Please come back…please!! Don’t leave mommy please…” 


*Stewie was my first pet. He passed away on the 19th January, 2008.*














 The most adorable Maxis model himself.

 He loved doing his Yoga.

“Your absence has not taught
me to be alone, it merely has
shown that when together we
cast a single shadow on the wall.”

~ Doug Fetherling


 My 22nd birthday celebration with baby Stewie, and he hated the camera.

Missing you dearly…my fat furry furball. *flying kisses*